Can i not drive my cunt home
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
