nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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