Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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