this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
false alarm, still single
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
