I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
