I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
