you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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