Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
