My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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