In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
