I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
