Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize