i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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