we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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