I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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