I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
