My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
