you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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