Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize