You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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