i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
