do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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