:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
