I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
