I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize