I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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