Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
someone owes me an orgasm
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
