I can text with my tongue
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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