im about as happy as oj after his trial
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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