Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
