hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
