its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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