I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
