She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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