you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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