If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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