I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
