Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
