can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
