are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
