Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
