I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
