Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
