i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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