The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
