i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
