dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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