I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize