I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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