DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
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