i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize