you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
A bitchslap is in order.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
