Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
