I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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