I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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