I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
