I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
