I think I won the penis lottery.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
