i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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