I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
