I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
