We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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