A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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