girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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