The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
