ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
