I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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