I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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