I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
